Saturday, March 6th, 2004
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1:33 pm
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wow...i'm massively bored. but when i'm bored i ponder on things alot..
like some questions that have plagued me for a while and just me stepping back and re-evaluating my life.
i realize that i've put alot of people through hell. i try their patiance as well as commitment. i appreciate the friends and people who put up with my paranoia. i realize it's not the greatest thing in the world for you to have a friends with extreme paranoia. i understand that it's really hard. that's why i want to say thank you to the people who have put up with my self put downs, and constant paranoia. i honestly do think that i'm manic depressive. i just can't do anything about it because i'm not allowed to take medication and when i go to therapy, if i don't tell mom what i talked about then i'm never allowed to go back.
so here it goes:
Robbie:
thank you for putting up with my shit.i know that you do get sick of me being this way. i can't blame you if you get angry or bored around me. i just wish i would take it easy with the questions i ask you. i know that you get a little upset that i keep questioning your sincerity. it's not intentional please understand that much. i know when you ask me to explain these things i normally just say "i don't know"
but it's true. i honestly can't find the words to describe why this happens. it just does. i wish i could change it. i try, i really do. it's so hard. it's like a smoker trying to quit, i've done this all my life and it's going to take a little time for me to readjust my style of thinking.
Melissa:
thanks for being such a great friend to me. you really are a great person. we may have had our little tiffs in the past but i think that just makes us better friends. i think of you like a sister to me. you tell me straight forward what you think and i like that. i like to know how what i am doing is percieved. so thank you.
Sautter:
thanks for the occasional pearls of wisdom you give me. i know that you really don't talk much to me, and that's ok. it's all understandable. i know that we did have problems in the past, but i hope that can eventually all be forgotten. it is really nice how you try to cheer me up.
now for the other end..
Joey:
all i can say is..fuck you. you are such an ass hole. "i don't care about looks, personality is great". that's why when i first met you in person you were like "you're not good looking, but you're not bad looking either" that's why when i first met you and tried talking to you on the computer you wouldn't. yeah...things change when you get disappointed with the way some one looks don't it? i was nice to you and held back on telling you that you were massively feminant and too sensitive. you might as well be a faggot.and you wondered why no one liked you around where you live. it reminds me of deliverance...so why don't you squeel like a pig and drop off the face of the Earth.
Justin:
oh this is going to be a good one. the words "blow it out your ass" come to mind. you used me. and i was hurt because you told me everything i wanted to hear and then mentally abused me. you are the epitome of fuckheadishness. yes i made that word up. all though i do like that you were completely honest when you told me that you got wasted and fucked with 2 girls. that was appreciated. not to mention another girl when i was trying to get back together with you. you are a pig. plain and simple. i hope you personally die of Gonhorreah. that way you can watch as all your outside organs fall off (i hope your penis rots slowly) and then slowly fall into a depression as your innards rot. lets not forget about the lie of "i don't want to have other people knowing we're dating" "you can't meet my mom, she wouldn't approve of the way you dress" maybe it's cause you're ashamed of me maybe? oh am i really that bad looking? i forgot you only liked me cause i was german and you wanted to start the third riche and you wanted me to help.
Mike:
you were my first boyfriend. i thought i loved you but it was evident that i didn't. your mom was nice to me. your dad hated me. you were a god loving faggot. and i hate you so much. you are such a tool you let you father make all your decisions for you. you couldn't even deal with me when i called back to ask you to elaborate on our break up. you got your dad to answer because you were scared of what you had done. you are a dick. and since we're on the subject...a small one to boot. i hope that your god is going to save you for all the wrong you've done you jesus loving fag. not only that but you didn't like the way i dressed, so i changed for you. what a niave twit i was. now i realize how much i really do hate you.
anyone else while i'm on this topic.....
nope...i think that's about everyone for now.
i'm going to go.
current mood:  bored
current music: Ozzy-Perry Mason
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Thursday, March 4th, 2004
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10:32 pm
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9:32 pm
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man one:"It's probably pining for the fjords."
man two:"Pining for the fjords?!?!?!"
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8:57 pm
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*stares at last few entries* wow. i think that i am manic depressive. my mom thinks i am too but she does nothing about it. she's like that. *sigh*
a million people can't be wrong.
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8:39 pm
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*smacks head repeatedly on the computer desk hoping for perminant damage* you know what? i'm sorta glad that i forget to take my pill.
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5:09 pm
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I AM: Steph
I WANT: freedom
I HAVE: candy.
I WISH: i was popular
I HATE: stupid people.
I MISS: Robbie
I FEAR: losing the ones i love. rejection, people.
I HEAR: video game sound effects
I SEARCH: for a meaning
I WONDER: why i'm like the way i am
I REGRET: past relationships/being too vulnerable
I LOVE: Robbie,my best friends,and Family Guy
I ACHE: in my wrist
I AM NOT: pretty
I DANCE: in privacy
I SING: in the shower
I CRY: when i'm upset
I AM NOT ALWAYS: nice
I WRITE: stupid shit
I CONFUSE: stupid people
I NEED: to get a clue
I SHOULD: be obtimistic
x. father thinks i am: odd
x. mother thinks i am: a whore
x. my boyfriend/girlfriend thinks I am: umm...paranoid
x. three things you are often complimented for: hair (before cut)
x. you get embarrassed when: i do something and everyone stares
x. makes you happy: Robbie and my best friends
x. upsets you: just about everything
yes or no...
x. you keep a diary: journal.
x. you like to cook: sometimes
x. you have a secret you have not shared with anyone: no
x. you set your watch a few minutes ahead: no
x. you bite your fingernails: yes
x. you believe in love: it exists
Who is...?
The weirdest person you know: it's a tie!
The Loudest Person you Know: definately Sautter
Your close friends: Robbie,Melissa, Sautter
Person that Knows the Most about you: Robbie and Melissa
What is...?
your most overused phrase on IM: sorry
the last image/thought you go to sleep with: of actually being happy
your best feature: eyes i suppose
Inside joke: raincoats.
2. Do You...?
take a shower everyday: yes, just about
have a(any) crush(es): Robbie
think/you know you've been in love: i am
have any tattoos/where?: want one
piercings/where?: ears.
get motion sickness: yes
think you're a health freak: nah, i really should be though
get along with your parents: not really
like thunderstorms: love 'em
current mood: sleepy
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Wednesday, March 3rd, 2004
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4:33 pm
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hmmmmmmmmm....
it's 4:33...i have nothing to do and no one to talk to so....
i figured i'd write something.
..
..
..
..
i think i'll go now.
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3:14 pm
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hmmm....
pondering if i should go to the play or not. i want to. i seen the dress rehearsal. some of them can sing really well. looks very interesting and i think i'll sit through it. unfortunately i probably can't find anyone to go with me so i'll have to drag my mom. *gags*
speaking of mother...
she said i could go over Robbie's this saturday, which is odd coming from her but good for me none the less.
i don't think these people are coming back to get Moe, he's ours!!(hopefully)
*ponders*
i think i'm going to try painting this afternoon. if not that then i'll mess with some charcoal or something. or maybe watch the Monty Python DVD Robbie lent me.
i think my mom has an obsessive compulsive dissorder. she is forever rearranging the house. just when i start to find things after the last time she rearranged it...she up and does it again. thank god she does it now cause later i'd be tripping over furniture.
well i think that's all the interesting parts of today.
"now i'm confused is this depth really you
and do these dreams have any meaning."
current mood: sleepy
current music: Meatloaf-Paradise By The Dashboard LIght
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10:50 am
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journalism...i realized today....it's nothing but shit.
"we need some reception a higher message
just tell us what to fear"
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Tuesday, March 2nd, 2004
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11:13 pm - was his demise so carefully constructed, well lets just say i got what i wanted
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why is it i can have something that's so perfect and then pick it apart to find all the negatives. i'm so unbelievably paranoid sometimes. i know it irritates people, whether they want to tell me or not...but i know it does. i wish i could just be a normal carefree person like my friends. i make myself sick. i'm expecting any second to be coughing up blood cause i haven't taken my pill in a week, and with all the worrying i'm surprised it hasn't ruptured.
but isn't it so like me? you know..to gradually destroy things?
it seems it, cause damn i seem to be so good at it.
and i wonder why past relationships never worked...it was me.
current mood: depressed
current music: Taking Back Sunday-Cute Without The E(Cute From The Team)
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7:57 pm
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ok..someone keeps messing with Robbie on line. they did bother me til i blocked them. but they are really bothering him and i dont' like it. anyone who knows a person who has an S/N of Pooponthepost ...kill them. they have stalked me to no end but i blocked them. now they're attacking Robbie. calling him gay and such. i don't like this person. he calls himself bobby. have no idea how he aquired both Robbie and I's screen name. but i will asure you...he's dead.
i just hate this fucking shit.
fucking wanna be cool people and their ways of trying to get friends.
bah
current mood:  anxious
current music: The Who-You Better You Bet
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4:04 pm
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♥Steph and ♥Rob | - Are rumoured to have conceived one happy girl.
- Enjoy opportunities to share their hearts weekly.
- Should invest now in crowd-controlling equipment.
- Unquestionably deserve each other.
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12:11 am
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"to avoid complecations she never kept the same address
in conversation, she spoke just like a barroness"
well this is my new journal. wow. how desolate it seems.
well i did have a bad dream saturday night.
where i was being persecuted and sentanced to death. so two people lead me out to a wooden pole. they held my back against the pole, my arms behind the pole and a third held my head in place. then, someone drove a huge nail into my neck. then they let go and i hung there by the nail in my neck. i stared out into the crowd that had come to watch. they all laughed and pointed. that was the last thing i seen as my eyes filled up with blood and it poured out of my mouth.
creepy, no? the thing is..i can still feel the nail in my neck.
current mood:  curious
current music: Bright Eyes-Method Acting
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Monday, March 1st, 2004
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3:22 pm
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well i have a new journal. and now no one cept for my good friends knows who i am.
welcome to my new journal. same shit, different journal.
current mood:  blah
current music: Queen-Killer Queen
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nomadic_wolf's journal
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